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Sunday, March 25, 2018

Comedy rant!


No Hope

I am a firm believer in some type of God.  I’m not a big bang creation theory person.  At one point I started my own church.  You’ve heard of churches with the name “New Hope”.  Well my church name was “No Hope”.  Cause I didn’t know what I was doing.  Preaching stuff wrong. Saying stupid stuff.  It  was messed up.  I finally quit when on Communion Sunday I served Vanilla wafer cookies with pomegranate juice.  That didn’t go over very well.  That was a messy Sunday.


Black Cruise Ships
After years of paranoia and fear, I now love to go on cruises.  They feed you at an endless buffet, entertain you, clean your room every day.  Can’t beat that.  I was trying to imagine what would an all black cruise ship look like.  You know how we can be.  Instead of pool areas, there would be a deck full of  bbq grills.  BBQ grills lined up in rows, bags of charcoal  and cans of lighter fluid all over the deck.  There would be all day bbq cook off contests.  BBQ sauce flying everywhere.  Fish fry stations with boiling vats of vegetable oil.  Rows of dominoes and cards table.

2016 election
It’s been two years now since the election.  We’ve had time to think about the results.  The 2016 election was about white people saying, you Negroes had your way.  Now it’s our turn.  We’re going to elect the dumbest ass person we can. The worst of us.  So now we just have to endure 6 more years of bullshit.

Shopping time
I live in a neighborhood mostly surrounded by white people.  So that means I do my shopping in the hood for black people’s stuff.  The stores where I live might have an ethnic section.  But, if they do it only has one tube of shaving cream, one tube of bald head oil.  It’s like we have to share one tube of stuff among all the Negro men in the area.  So, if you buy the tube, you gotta let folks know on social media and give out your phone number so other brothers can call you to borrow that one tube.  So to buy my own stuff I gotta drive like 15 miles to the hood.  I have to change clothes, put my hard looking clothes on.  My sagging pants.  I stop talking proper and go back to my street language.  What’s up negros.  What’s up OG!  What’s up dog!

Gas Pump Questions in 5 below weather
I hate to pump gas in cold weather.  If I could find a full service gas station in the winter time, I would drive for half an hour to get my tank filled up. You know.  You pull up to the pump, call a number and tell someone to come the hell out and fill up your car with gas.  I’m serious.  I would tip for that. The way it is now, they have the gas pumps set up to ask you like 12 questions before you can even lift up the gas nozzle.  You out there freezing while being asked some stupid questions by a machine. You slide your card in the machine. Then it asks you is this a Credit card?  Debit Card?  Rewards Card?  What is your zip code?  Who’s your momma?  How much do you weigh? Are you Black?  Are you Latino? Then the dumbest question is, “Do you want a receipt?”  If I have to get my behind out in 2 below zero temperature to pump 10 gallons of gas and answer 12 questions for 5 minutes you damn right I want a receipt.  Who thinks up those questions?  A gas pump needs to say only 3 things.  Slide your payment card in. Pump your gas.  Take your receipt and go.  3 questions in less than 30 seconds.  Getting gas should be like a pit stop in a stock car race.  They should give rewards for the quickest gas pump stop.  If you break the record your gas is free!

Cold Christmas Donation to Bell Ringer
Yeah, when it’s cold I avoid making too many stops in my car.  I remember one day around Christmas I was driving past this Salvation Army bell ringer.  I was in the giving mode but it was like 6 degrees outside with a wind chill of 7 below.   So, I roll down my window and threw money out in the direction of the bucket.  It’s the thought that counts.