No Hope
I am a firm believer in some type of God. I’m not a big bang creation theory person. At one point I started my own church. You’ve heard of churches with the name “New Hope”. Well my church name was “No Hope”. Cause I didn’t know what I was doing. Preaching stuff wrong. Saying stupid stuff. It was messed up. I finally quit when on Communion Sunday I served Vanilla wafer cookies with pomegranate juice. That didn’t go over very well. That was a messy Sunday.
Black Cruise Ships
After years of paranoia and fear, I now love to go on
cruises. They feed you at an endless
buffet, entertain you, clean your room every day. Can’t beat that. I was trying to imagine what would an all
black cruise ship look like. You know
how we can be. Instead of pool areas,
there would be a deck full of bbq grills. BBQ grills lined up in rows, bags of charcoal and cans of lighter fluid all over the deck. There would be all day bbq cook off
contests. BBQ sauce flying everywhere. Fish fry stations with boiling vats of
vegetable oil. Rows of dominoes and
cards table.
2016 election
It’s been two years now since the election. We’ve had time to think about the
results. The 2016 election was about
white people saying, you Negroes had your way.
Now it’s our turn. We’re going to
elect the dumbest ass person we can. The worst of us. So now we just have to endure 6 more years of
bullshit.
Shopping time
I live in a neighborhood mostly surrounded by white
people. So that means I do my shopping
in the hood for black people’s stuff. The
stores where I live might have an ethnic section. But, if they do it only has one tube of
shaving cream, one tube of bald head oil.
It’s like we have to share one tube of stuff among all the Negro men in
the area. So, if you buy the tube, you
gotta let folks know on social media and give out your phone number so other
brothers can call you to borrow that one tube. So to buy my own stuff I gotta drive like 15
miles to the hood. I have to change
clothes, put my hard looking clothes on.
My sagging pants. I stop talking
proper and go back to my street language.
What’s up negros. What’s up
OG! What’s up dog!
Gas Pump Questions
in 5 below weather
I hate to pump gas in cold weather. If I could find a full service gas station in
the winter time, I would drive for half an hour to get my tank filled up. You
know. You pull up to the pump, call a
number and tell someone to come the hell out and fill up your car with
gas. I’m serious. I would tip for that. The way it is now, they
have the gas pumps set up to ask you like 12 questions before you can even lift
up the gas nozzle. You out there
freezing while being asked some stupid questions by a machine. You slide your
card in the machine. Then it asks you is this a Credit card? Debit Card?
Rewards Card? What is your zip
code? Who’s your momma? How much do you weigh? Are you Black? Are you Latino? Then the dumbest question is,
“Do you want a receipt?” If I have to
get my behind out in 2 below zero temperature to pump 10 gallons of gas and
answer 12 questions for 5 minutes you damn right I want a receipt. Who thinks up those questions? A gas pump needs to say only 3 things. Slide your payment card in. Pump your
gas. Take your receipt and go. 3 questions in less than 30 seconds. Getting gas should be like a pit stop in a
stock car race. They should give rewards
for the quickest gas pump stop. If you
break the record your gas is free!
Cold Christmas
Donation to Bell Ringer
Yeah, when it’s cold I avoid making too many stops in my
car. I remember one day around Christmas
I was driving past this Salvation Army bell ringer. I was in the giving mode but it was like 6
degrees outside with a wind chill of 7 below.
So, I roll down my window and threw money out in the direction of the
bucket. It’s the thought that counts.
