Monday, September 8, 2014

Ray Rice in the Main Event

A writer writes!

Damn!  That was my first reaction today when I saw the "leaked" video of Ray Rice clocking his then fiancee' in an elevator.  I don't know if anyone in the NFL saw the full video before Ray got his 2 game slap on the hand penalty from the NFL commissioner, but the Baltimore Ravens quickly jettisoned Ray's behind off the team once the video became public today.  Then the NFL, trying to save some face, suspended Ray indefinitely (as if they had a choice).

Ray apparently has avoided the justice system by previously plea bargaining for counseling after the incident happened.  Some would say Ray has now gotten the punishment he originally should have been given.   But in addition to the suspension from the NFL, there is another alternative justice that I propose.  A pay-per-view event in the biggest stadium in the United States.  It would feature Ray Rice versus 100,000 of the angriest women on the planet Earth.  I would even allow for import of alien women from Pluto (since Pluto is no longer a planet it needs some other notoriety).  I would give Ray a football, place him on the 1 yard line and tell him he needs to run 99 yards to the other goal and score a touchdown.  In front of Ray I would place at least 500 women, each armed with a bat and a high heeled shoe.  In the stands and on the sidelines, just in case Ray decides to punk out, would be some 99,500 women waiting for Ray to just even think about trying to get out of the stadium.  Those women also would have the bat and high heel in their possession.

This would be a no rules event.  If more women want to come onto the field to help kick Ray's butt, that's okay.  Charge the public $50 a piece for this pay per view event, with all proceeds going to domestic violence charities.  Book the Rose Bowl or the 109,000 capacity Michigan football stadium.  Make it happen on a Saturday evening, around 6 p.m.

What is Ray going to do now?  Well, I can see him being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.  But Oprah had better watch out.  If she asks Ray the wrong question.....Bam!  Down goes Oprah, Down goes Oprah!  Then you'll have Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer running onto the set to stomp Ray until he taps out.

Ray, you need to man up and commit to this pay-per-view event and take your beating like a man. Go ahead and get knocked out and let the American public see you getting dragged unconscious out of the stadium. It's the only manly thing to do.

Now Ray, you know the video was released on purpose.  Maybe somebody asked you for money to keep it a secret.  Maybe somebody got a hold of it and made a copy.  It could have been someone you thought was a friend.  Either way it looks like the details of your elevator event are out for public consumption.  Ray, you might as well go to the nearest domestic violence organization and volunteer to be an example of what happens to someone who commits domestic violence.  One last word of advice Ray.  Stay out of elevators.

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